mom

I miss my mom today. Everyday I miss my mom, but today there is a familiar ache and longing that accompanies my normal everyday wistfulness. I have a picture of her pinned to the board above my monitor and I’ve probably looked at it 30 times and it’s only 10:50. Because I’m missing her so much today, I’m allowing myself to indulge in remembering her details. I normally don’t do this because it’s comforting and painful at the same time – comforting when I first remember the way her hair grows at the nape of her neck, or how her pores looked on her cheeks and her nose, but then painful when I realize that the only place this is recorded is in my memory. So then I stop thinking about her. I also worry that thinking about her details too much will damage them. Sort of like handling a piece of silver adds tarnished fingerprints that change its composition. I should probably stop now and concentrate on my work. Maybe this is what it's like to get old or to know that you have alzheimers. I wonder if everyone is afraid of losing memories.